positivity

Yesterday was my birthday, I am now 52. My life today is much different than it was at 42, way different than at 32 and completely different than at 22.

At 12 I was less than 50 lbs, I was finishing Gr 6, it was my final year at North School, the two room school house where my primary grades were completed. Thinking back, Gr 6 was a quiet year, my Mom was not well, not well at all. I was hiding in myself, reading book upon book, trying to disappear. Writing that just made me cry, I don't think I ever thought about it that way before. I remember my friend Diane being mad at me because I wouldn't do things with her. When I was 12, my parents sold the Norway House Inn, that spring I turned 13 and we renovated Grandma's log cabin and moved in. My mother decorated my new bedroom with white French provincial furniture, I know she was trying for me to be happy but I was so sad I climbed out my bedroom window that winter and climbed into the dog house for comfort with the dog. My self pity wore out, I was soon cold and out of tears, so I came back in through the back door, much to the shock of Mom and Dad who had no idea I was outside. Later that year things got worse with Mom, she ended up in the Selkirk mental hospital for almost 3 months and came home medicated. After a little while she threw out all the medication, back then it took away you soul, and she couldn't stand it. Now that I am 52, I don't blame her for that anymore, now that I know how it feels to be 50. More than 20 years later, a doctor found the right medication at long last and she had a year of peace and sobriety. That was a gift I wasn't expecting and am now so grateful, not for me, but for her. Now I understand how much she suffered and I always knew she tried.

I will lay me down

Watched an amazing version of "a bridge over troubled water" on American Idol

what an amazing message, so timely

When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/simon+and+garfunkel/#share

my heart broke today

I found out this afternoon that someone who I care for, that I've learned to love, to respect, to enjoy the company of, likely has cancer. Ovarian cancer. And my heart broke. She is one of the most dedicated giving conscientious people I know, she cares, she is true and she lives her life on her terms. And as we know, cancer is not fair, there is no justice, it just happens. I'm sure bad people get cancer, and I don't think that is OK, but it just feels so wrong that someone who was ready to live the next stretch of her life may not get that chance.

So I called her, it was hard, what do you say? But seriously it's not about me, so buck up klow. She is scared and so am I, the emotion was raw, we both feel it, but we move past it to discuss things in the same way we always do. She explains everything to me, she wants me to know. I will be with her on this journey, this is intractable, not that I want to retract, but this is the first time I have been so strongly pulled on another's journey, a battle, with odd's that are formidable. I know she will fight, and somehow I know I will fight beside her. I've never felt this kind of commitment before, cancer has not touched me that closely. I am the practical one, sometimes the detached, pragmatic one. I will be there is she needs me. The surgery will be soon, the chemo will start and I somehow know it will be hard, I don't know if she will ever return to work she was doing after this, she will see other purpose to her life. But we are forever joined by our time together at work, she sustained me at work in ways she may not know, I need to sustain her now.