I am what I see

Today I went to CrossFit. I have been contemplating my fitness level, or should I say, lack of fitness level. I enjoyed the pilates and yoga at Diva day, 30 minutes of each. And I realized just how out of shape I am. CrossFit appeals because I want results, I don't want to be bored and I don't want anything complicated. I like that they focus on intensity, get'er done.

The baseline test today was brutal. 500 metres on the rowing machine, 40 (yes, 40) squats, 30 sit ups, 20 push ups and 10 chin ups.

By the 20th squat I was pooched. By the 15th sit up I was sure I wouldn't finish, but the 12 push up I was sure I was toast. Big break between push ups and chin ups. I think Mike helped me quite a lot for the last round, but I made it.

I was winded, my legs were like rubber and my chest hurts. My legs are still weak (2 hours later) and my chest is still sore. sheesh.

Now to see if I go back.

the jury is still our

healing

I blogged about a friend who was facing cancer. I was scared, so was she. I love her even more for her courage, I stood in awe as she did everything she needed to do. She decided that she would not allow negativity to be part of her experience with cancer. Sheesh, how the heck do you do that??? But she did, she was amazing, she came to visit and looked better than she had when she was well. WOW. And now, the stage four cancer (generally understood to be a seriously not good thing) has tucked it's tail between it's legs and left the building. Awesome! But then my friend crashed. It took everything she had to fight, the battle won undid her. And I can see how the energy, the adrenaline of a fight lets us do that, then we collapse into a lump and try to understand what just happened. She could not see what life meant anymore, what do you do after saving your own life?? She has talents that she no longer sees, I am so glad I could extend a lifeline. After all, we all need to feel like we have something to contribute. She does, and she will. She just lost sight of that in the overwhelmingness that fighting for your life is. Welcome back my dear friend. You are awesome, and I need you. Seeing you light up with the excitement about what you can offer is just what I needed this week.

positivity

Yesterday was my birthday, I am now 52. My life today is much different than it was at 42, way different than at 32 and completely different than at 22.

At 12 I was less than 50 lbs, I was finishing Gr 6, it was my final year at North School, the two room school house where my primary grades were completed. Thinking back, Gr 6 was a quiet year, my Mom was not well, not well at all. I was hiding in myself, reading book upon book, trying to disappear. Writing that just made me cry, I don't think I ever thought about it that way before. I remember my friend Diane being mad at me because I wouldn't do things with her. When I was 12, my parents sold the Norway House Inn, that spring I turned 13 and we renovated Grandma's log cabin and moved in. My mother decorated my new bedroom with white French provincial furniture, I know she was trying for me to be happy but I was so sad I climbed out my bedroom window that winter and climbed into the dog house for comfort with the dog. My self pity wore out, I was soon cold and out of tears, so I came back in through the back door, much to the shock of Mom and Dad who had no idea I was outside. Later that year things got worse with Mom, she ended up in the Selkirk mental hospital for almost 3 months and came home medicated. After a little while she threw out all the medication, back then it took away you soul, and she couldn't stand it. Now that I am 52, I don't blame her for that anymore, now that I know how it feels to be 50. More than 20 years later, a doctor found the right medication at long last and she had a year of peace and sobriety. That was a gift I wasn't expecting and am now so grateful, not for me, but for her. Now I understand how much she suffered and I always knew she tried.

I will lay me down

Watched an amazing version of "a bridge over troubled water" on American Idol

what an amazing message, so timely

When you're weary
Feeling small
When tears are in your eyes
I will dry them all
I'm on your side
When times get rough
And friends just can't be found
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
When you're down and out
When you're on the street
When evening falls so hard
I will comfort you
I'll take your part
When darkness comes
And pain is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/simon+and+garfunkel/#share

my heart broke today

I found out this afternoon that someone who I care for, that I've learned to love, to respect, to enjoy the company of, likely has cancer. Ovarian cancer. And my heart broke. She is one of the most dedicated giving conscientious people I know, she cares, she is true and she lives her life on her terms. And as we know, cancer is not fair, there is no justice, it just happens. I'm sure bad people get cancer, and I don't think that is OK, but it just feels so wrong that someone who was ready to live the next stretch of her life may not get that chance.

So I called her, it was hard, what do you say? But seriously it's not about me, so buck up klow. She is scared and so am I, the emotion was raw, we both feel it, but we move past it to discuss things in the same way we always do. She explains everything to me, she wants me to know. I will be with her on this journey, this is intractable, not that I want to retract, but this is the first time I have been so strongly pulled on another's journey, a battle, with odd's that are formidable. I know she will fight, and somehow I know I will fight beside her. I've never felt this kind of commitment before, cancer has not touched me that closely. I am the practical one, sometimes the detached, pragmatic one. I will be there is she needs me. The surgery will be soon, the chemo will start and I somehow know it will be hard, I don't know if she will ever return to work she was doing after this, she will see other purpose to her life. But we are forever joined by our time together at work, she sustained me at work in ways she may not know, I need to sustain her now.

He ain't heavy, he's my brother

Someone put this in a Facebook Post. What he intended I may never know, but it brought a memory to the surface for me. When I was young, around 12 I think, there was a death in the small northern community that I grew up in. A young man, a friend of my brother's died. My memory is hazy, for some reason I think he chose death, and it was a suicide, but I also remember that he was young, foolish perhaps, and without a doubt, drinking way too much, and driving a snowmobile way too fast on ice that was way too thin. But my true memory is of this song. Somewhere in that sequence of events, this song was played, and it resonated. Forever after, for me, this song is about how much harder we can try to support the ones we care about, and that we can carry a burden for someone else for a while when it becomes too heavy for them. We can prevent the loss of a beautiful soul. I learned long ago as a "young/naive" counsellor that I could give energy. This is how we lift emotional pain and carry the burden for a short time, allowing another soul a reprieve. If I am emotionally healthy and strong I can do that, I share strength and give that gift to another. Simply by being open to the idea of plenty. There is enough to go around. No one is too heavy, we are all brothers. My life is good, let me share that with you, I have plenty.

blogging

something I must begin to do